on new years resolutions
or: the big return to a LIFE in style
dear soul,
tw: disordered eating
i am happy to announce that this entry won’t be a list of all the things i want to achieve this year. nevertheless, it won’t be less sentimental. just yesterday i received a DM from a dear follower that reminded me of how my narrative around goals - especially when they’re physically - have changed.
to give you some context: i am generation “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, i followed several diets from the moment that my body became less girly and more female, i bonded with my mom over diets and as an emotional eater i struggled with several eating disorder up until my late 20s ( i’m turning 32 in april). at some point along this journey, i also stopped working out for pleasure but did it for my own punishment and to deserve to eat. it was either overwhelm or restriction - no balance, no harmony.
so it’s safe to say, with this history i went through a lot of physical changes over the past 15 years. and i will try my best to not turn these accumulation of words into yet another “tips & tricks” list of how i lost weight and built a routine.
when in fact, i’ve lost and built nothing - i released and created space. it all started when i stopped working with and on the symptoms and started asking why. why i am eating/doing certain things or not eating/doing certain things. the why included in my case: the relationship with food and working out, my nervous system aka stress (sympathetic) and rest (parasympathetic) levels and menstrual cycle. let me give you some examples of things that happened:
from eating only vegan to eating vegetarian, full fat dairy and sometimes fish
from HIIT training and spinning classes to reformer pilates, swimming, weight training, dancing, long walks and yoga
from calorie tracking and cheat meals to eating until i’m satisfied and releasing shame and guilt
see the pattern? i added things.
i prioritized my emotional world in every aspect, in every week and day of my (life)cycle. i focus on the things that bring me feelings of pleasure, joy and satisfaction to create more of these abundant emotions. instead of avoiding the feelings that i don’t want to have and looking at the things that i “should” do to keep them at distance i welcome all emotions as well as food groups and ways to work out. i returned to myself by welcoming it all, my values, my wants and desires and asked:
how can i create harmony within myself?
how can i create more satisfaction?
how can i contribute to my wellbeing?
sounds like a lot of inner work? that’s because it is. yet, it’s not about a specific goal. it’s about living in duality and the well-known journey. in order to run a marathon you’ve got to start walking first - baby steps, then baddie steps.
x
Lea
p.s.: and if you’ve wondered why i chose this picture of a pomegranate: they have diverse cultural-religious and spiritual significance, as a symbol of life and fertility owing to their many seeds but also as a symbol of power. pomegranates already symbolized fertility, beauty and eternal life, in greek and persian mythology. and this is what working out and eating feels like for me: powerful, sexy, beautiful and alive.